Loosely Defined Jump Rope

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[Image Credit:SkyMall.com]

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EZ Jump Rope

Get hopping and jump your way to an all new you.

Keep feet close to the ground — even use it sitting down!

EZ Jumper is the answer to the never-ending quest for a better body. It will not punish the joints of beginners and is proven to be better in raising the heart rate. You can even use it sitting down for great results.

Includes a 20-minute workout DVD.

Price: $29.99

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As far as I can tell, SkyMall customers spend a significant portion of their lives thinking about fitness. Chiefly, how to avoid it. And today they’re in luck, because no product promises to eliminate all that troublesome exercise from their daily workout routine quite like the EZ Jump Rope.

So much more than two unconnected lengths of rope, the EZ Jump Rope is the logic-defying fitness tool that’s revolutionizing the act of not jumping. Unlike the tiresome and perplexing jump rope of yesteryear, the EZ Jump Rope is so simple that even a child could use it. Merely grab hold of the ropes’ ergonomic handles, flail your wrists wildly, and bask in the satisfaction that you’re burning almost as many calories as someone who’s just thinking about jumping rope.

This product works great while sitting down – but why stop there? With the EZ Jump Rope, you can easily feel that heart-pumping calisthenic rush while lying in bed, taking a relaxing bubble-bath, or driving one-handed down the freeway.

One slight note of warning: Customers considering this ingenious workout-aid should be aware that the senseless, whip-like flailing of the EZ Jump Rope is often coupled with brutal self-flagellation. But where others might find a dangerous drawback, here at SkyMall we see the perfect gift for your paraplegic, masochistic loved one.

The Morbidly Obese Man’s Slimming Shirt

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[Image Credit:SkyMall.com]

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Insta Slim Compression Shirt

Look up to 5 inches slimmer, firmer, younger, and toned. Replace your t-shirts with Insta Slim and:

Flatten Your Stomach. Firm Up Your Chest. Eliminate Love Handles. Stay Cool and Comfortable. Special Revolutionary Spandex-Blend Fibers for Compression & Support. Improve your Posture and Back Support.

100% satisfaction guarantee! Nothing to lose but your lumps, bumps, and bulges.

Price: $24.95 - $229.95

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The first thing you might notice about the Insta Slim Compression Shirt is just how astonishingly well it’s working for our model. Look at his firm, bulging biceps. His immaculate jaw-line and sculpted forearms. “That tank-top is one hell of a product!” you’re likely thinking.

To our credit, we did initially product-test several photographs of models who are actually in need of a slimming shirt. But our market research panel repeatedly found that the combination of a 6-pack and a bulbous turkey-neck, or a pencil thin waist and drooping arm-fat, is as repulsive as it is impressive.

You might also notice that the price of an Insta Slim Compression Shirt can vary wildly ($24.95 to $229.95,) but keep in mind that this product can be sized up to no less than 6XL. That’s roughly the amount of textile you’d need to pitch a small refugee camp.

I can’t help but wonder what goes through the mind of the average 6XL Insta Slim Compression Shirt customer. This must be a person whose optimism is outmatched only by their sheer volume. I see them clutching a seat-back copy of SkyMall, their girth enveloping a full 3 consecutive airline seats, and wistfully thinking: “I’ve finally found it. This shirt, and the 15 minutes I will spend struggling to put it on, is my ticket to the chiseled, Romanesque arms I’ve been dreaming of.”

Literal Love Stone

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[Image Credit:SkyMall.com]

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I Love You Stone

Some things really are written in stone, like the forever love you feel for that certain someone.

Precisely carved and sandblasted smooth, stone measures about 4” x 6”. Sizes and shapes will vary slightly.

I Love You ‘Written in Stone’”

Price: $24.95

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This particular product comes from a severe miscommunication between SkyMall and our Chinese manufacturers, but we’re making the best of it! Because at SkyMall, we know that nothing better accompanies a declaration of love than an entirely unrelated statement of fact.

So let the loved one in your life know just how strongly and literally you feel about them by gifting them the I Love You Stone. If they ever come to doubt you, just tell them, “But it’s on that stone. Spoken out loud.”

I suggest you gift this product in an undecorated box inscribed with the word ‘GIFT’. As you hand off the present, tell your recipient, “This is a gift.” After they open it, as they tearily thank you for the warm and heartfelt gesture, hug them. And as you hold them close, cherish the moment by whispering ever so softly in their ear: “I am hugging you.”

Confusing Chimp Statue

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[Image Credit:SkyMall.com]

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Chauncey the Confused Chimp

Chauncey the Confused Chimp Garden Monkey Statue

Though Chauncey the life-sized Chimpanzee looks a little confused, it’s actually your guests who’ll be left guessing when they spy this primate in your garden! Our Toscano exclusive chimpanzee sculpture is cast in quality designer resin, then exquisitely hand-painted to showcase characteristic markings and soft fur. Our jungle chimpanzee sculpture transforms any home, garden, restaurant or hotel into something truly fun and fabulous!”

Price: $275.00

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Though I can offer no explanation why, at SkyMall we carry a lot of ape statues.

Chauncey here is, in fact, only one choice among many from our vast library of simian sculptures – both real and imaginary. So whether you’re looking for just the right Chimp, Orangutan, or indeterminate ‘Monkey’ model, are stuck in between ordering the Lowland or Highland Gorilla statue, or are considering our $2,250 confusedly described “life-size” Yeti likeness, we’re here to help you find the ideal effigy that just screams: “Look at me! I’ve gone bananas!… seriously though, I need help.”

But if you’re as serious about ape statues as we are, perhaps Chauncey is the best option of all. Because no emotion better conveys the fact that you have just spent 275 dollars on a mass-produced, plaster chimp than confusion.

Windshield Manslaughter Accessory

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[Image Credit:SkyMall.com]

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Align-N-Drive Kit

Knowing your exact driving path helps keep you safe.

Decals identify the exact location of the front tires to help you stay in your lane.

The Align-N-Drive is a great driver training aid that helps to reduce distractions on the road and improve driver awareness. This method helps drivers of all ages drive better, increase driver safety and significantly reduce accidents. Kit includes DVD and a set of removable decals that attach to your windshield.”

Price: $29.99

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As a SkyMall employee, it’s helpful that I rarely feel anything close to remorse when hawking my preposterous products. I like to imagine that without me, SkyMall customers would simply turn to other publications for their exotic and expensive purchases.

Most days, I could honestly say that my harmless foray into SkyMall customers’ lives does nothing but lighten their wallets and brighten their airborne but heartbreakingly dull lives.

But today is an exception. Because today, I am selling the Align-N-Drive.

The Align-N-Drive “method” – and I am using that term with utmost charity - targets two key groups: geriatrics and the legally blind. So if you’re the kind of driver that needs a helpful reminder of which way is forward, the Align-N-Drive’s window decals will gently guide you ever ahead as you plummet your way through the local farmers’ market.

I admit that I respect the Align-N-Drive’s devil-may-care attitude when it comes to driving anything but a straight shot. Curved roads, turns, impending pedestrians: These are all worries of a bygone era, one that the Align-N-Drive has long since overcome. For the Align-N-Drive is a system for the free and unhinged, the elderly but energetic, and those who no longer pay heed to complicated directions, police barricades, or restricted licenses.

The Alcoholic’s Wine Glass

[Image Credit:SkyMall.com]

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Giant Wine Glass, Pack of 2

Whether you prefer chardonnay or merlot, this is the wine glass you (and a friend) need.

You can savor the flavor all night long as this glass can hold up to a full bottle of your favorite fruit of the vine.

Pack of 2.”

Price: $19.99

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Many of SkyMall’s brilliantly designed products fulfill a highly specific need or desire, but no item does this quite as well as the Giant Wine Glass. Here is a vessel specifically designed for the alcoholic in your life who’s cutting down to one glass a night.

But don’t let this niche lock you out. Whether you’re an on-the-go wino, a giant, or just somebody without the patience to refill their glass a whole four times the Giant Wine Glass is for you.

What astounds me most about this bucket-on-a-stick is not the fact that it holds a full bottle of wine, but the sheer amount of wrist strength you’d need to wield this monster.

Fortunately, SkyMall customers can pair this purchase with another classic gift, the Neoprene Wrist Brace, to curb the torn ligaments and carpal tunnel syndrome that are sure to follow.

The Hiccup Stick

[Image Credit:SkyMall.com]

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Hicural Hiccup Stick, Set of 3

Stop annoying hiccups in seconds.

Safe and simple to use for adults and children.

The Hicural Hiccup Stick is the world’s first tool that instantly stops hiccups. Simply place horizontally in the mouth, gently bite down and drink a cup of water. It’s safe and simple to use for adults and children.

Convenient carrying case.

Made in U.S.A.”

Price: $19.99

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SkyMall sells a lot of products, and I often find myself accompanying them with descriptions that contain a few ‘questionable’ claims and promises.

Will I admit that my descriptions occasionally include a white lie or two? Yes. Are they sometimes a bit misleading? Yes. Do I lure bumbling customers into a gray area of truth by promising them hairbrushes that will make them smarter or sunglasses that will increase their libido? Well, yes and yes.

But truly, nothing makes this job more worthwhile than when I get to outright lie.

Meet the Hiccup Stick. For 20 dollars, I will sell you three eight-inch sticks that, when placed horizontally in your mouth (the vertical and vomit inducing straight-in models will be coming out next fall,) magic away hiccups. How does it work? So simply that I won’t even bother to explain!

You may be asking yourself, what separates the astonishing Hicural Hiccup Stick from say, an ordinary, run of the mill stick? Exactly twenty dollars and your soul-crushing but lucrative naivety.

But the best part of the Hiccup Stick is that, in the winter 2012 edition of SkyMall, it is advertised directly above an emergency door seal for house-fires. Say what you want about SkyMall customers, but they’re nothing if not trusting.

World’s Ugliest Shirt

[Image Credit:SkyMall.com]

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One of a Kind Shirt

One of a kind shirts, for one of a kind men.

All shirts are a piece of art and patterns are never repeated.

A One Of A Kind shirt allows you to show that you’re an individual, that you’re a little different than everyone else and you want them to take notice of who you are. These shirts are great for a night on the town, frat parties, bachelor parties, stag parties or any other time you want to stand out in a crowd.

100% cotton, made from 10 different fabrics.

Because these shirts are a piece of art, the color and pattern is not revealed until the package is opened.”

Price: $99.99

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It’s a tough day at SkyMall when not even our model will pretend to be enthused by the product. But who can blame him? What can I even say about this Frankensteinian masterpiece? Like a snowflake, fingerprint, or war crime, no two shirts are exactly alike.

I could go on about how The One Of A Kind Shirt is a cheap ploy to sell scraps of leftover fabric, or how trying to angle this wearable turd as ‘art’ was the single hardest thing I have ever attempted in my adult life, but dead-eyes here seems to say it all:

“Because this will be the last party you ever invite me to (stag, frat, Satanist, or otherwise,) I will make it count by dressing up for the next 10 all at once. Say whatever you will about my confused sense of fashion, but please, please don’t forget about me.”

I often wonder about the product process that goes on before these items make it past me, and what possesses SkyMall customers to actually buy them. But it’s products like The One Of A Kind Shirt that keep me from asking questions. Whatever the answers may be, I am surely not ready for them.

Cat Crap Cabinet

Kitty Washroom Cabinet

[Image Credit: SkyMall.com]

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Kitty Washroom Cabinet

Hide the litter box in plain sight.

Hide the messy litter box inside this handsome piece that instantly enhances the look of your bath, kitchen or laundry room. Designed with wainscoting in a clean white finish, it has a 7”x 8” portal for kitty.

The front swings open like a door so you can easily scoop or change the litter. Two shelves offer added storage and display space; the stainless steel bar gives you a convenient place to hang your scoop.

Accepts any litter pan up to 18”x15”. Assembly. MDF: Sorry, no air shipment.”

Price: $99.98

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Though SkyMall customers love their pets – they are always seeking new and depressing ways to pamper them – they seem to be utterly incapable when it comes to dealing with the accompanied torrent of animal shit.

But SkyMall is here for them. Never satisfied with the easy route, we have developed a volley of various devices to hide, fix, or shame the problem out of existence. Among our vast library of indispensable products, we have pet toilet trainers, poop stones, fake grass pads, and even a science-fiction catshit orb.

But even SkyMall knows that sometimes the best solution to a problem is not an expensive, hi-tech device. Sometimes, it’s better just to ignore it.

Enter the Kitty Washroom Cabinet. This is a product that promises both to solve SkyMall customers’ critter crap dilemma and improve the quality of their bathroom décor. Simply install the elegant and stylish faux-cabinet, hide the catbox, and pretend the animal no longer excretes the Fancy Feast you keep stuffing into its face. Voilà, problem solved.

One slight drawback, SkyMall customers who buy this product should be aware that an open-air cat box is far less unnerving than unassuming furniture stuffed with pungent catshit.